Monday, August 21, 2006

I Miss Her

Deb mentioned something about not being able to turn to her mother for support anymore and this feeling is echoed in me. I have to give you some background in order to fully understand my relationship with my mother. I’m the youngest of four children – the first three were born in 1949 (November), 1952 (May) and 1953 (December) – mother had about 2 ½ years with my sister Cathie before my brother Howard was born, followed by David 19 months later, then there wasn’t any time for one on one with any of them. I came along in 1960 when David went off to school. Just mother and myself all day long during the school year until I started kindergarten in 1966. We established a bond that doesn’t exist with the others. Mother lavished the attention on me that she hadn’t had the luxury to do with the others. I was spoiled. She was my support, my strength through so much of my life. Add to that the fact that Cathie and Howard, personality wise, were more like my father and David and I are very much our mother’s children and you begin to get the idea. Mom was your typical housewife; it was her job as it was for much of her generation. Being a mother was how she was defined and she took her job seriously. Mother came to every event we were involved with, from Scouts, to Little League, Band performances, piano and voice recitals – she was there. My father wasn’t. He didn’t work all of the time, but fishing, hunting, etc. took precedent over us. I feel the loss of that support so badly that it’s almost physical. My best friend is gone, replaced by this stranger.

The hospital bed arrived today and she’s not happy with it – but did I think it would be different from anything else. She’s not happy about a lot of things.

I’m so behind on everything. I haven’t been blogging much because of internet problems and I’m also working on a project for my writing stuff. No actual writing right now, but that’s okay. I also have to get working on the webring letter that Michael wants us to write – I also need to email Michael and let him know that I will do this. I just can’t seem to catch up on stuff. Part of it is the heat – over 30 days of 100 plus temps and I’m wilting – brain fried. It’s so hot that even in the house with the A/C running, I’m miserable. I get renewed energy when the temps start falling – the complete opposite of those Winter Blues people.

6 Comments:

Blogger Holly said...

Thanks for sharing. Every once in awhile I catch a glimpse in my grandmother's eyes that tells me she knows what she is (grandmother, mother, sister) even though she doesn't remember who she is. Keep on writing! MightyIris.blogspot.com

Tue Aug 22, 10:14:00 AM CDT  
Blogger Paula Martinac said...

Bailey - I know what you mean, not about the "best friend" part, but about the absence of my parents, almost as if they have died. But they haven't, so it's a different kind of grief, a particular form of loss. My sister refers to our mother now as "the woman who used to be my mother."

Wed Aug 23, 08:54:00 AM CDT  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Eve--You're a sweetie and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. There will be big rewards for you in the next life and the best one will be a loving reunion with your Mom. But right now just take care of yourself, too, and don't worry about the blog. We're all connected, whether we have the time to write or not. We're just running on faith right now!

Wed Aug 23, 08:10:00 PM CDT  
Blogger Karma said...

My mom spoiled me too. And even though she's there; I miss her. And it makes me feel guilty to wish that I could spoil my mom.

Fri Aug 25, 03:50:00 PM CDT  
Anonymous michaelm said...

Bailey-

Don't sweat it. When you have the time. The last thing I want is for people to feel they have to get this done in a hurry. It's more about perseverance anyway.
I did hear back from the Alz Assoc. but I need to develop a bit of dialogue with them, which I'm in the process of doing.
The first few lines of this post echoed in me as well. Not many days go by that I don't wish I could call my Mom. She was a guiding force in my life for so long. I loved the way she looked at the world. I could trust her instincts. I still miss her dearly and daily.

~m

~m

Wed Aug 30, 08:24:00 AM CDT  
Blogger Karma said...

Yes, I've been coming back to your blog to check in on how you're doing and am worried that you aren't blogging. I hope you're hanging in through these rough times.

Wed Sep 06, 10:22:00 AM CDT  

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