More Mom's Humor
This is an entry from one of my old abandoned blogs, dated August 26, 2005. We were still having fun then.
Wondering if mother wanted to attend a family funeral we of course asked her. After a slight pause she replied "Oh I don't know, whatever Juanita wants to do." That's easy, as soon as we find out who Juanita is we'll know the answer.
For the following story you must remember 2 things: Our attic is one of those "tucked under the eaves" jobs that you have to pull a ladder down and climb up to, and my brother Howard had to move home for awhile after a divorce and his kids visited every other weekend. Simple, just remember this. I don't know how this came about, I wasn't there, but ... while talking to my sister-in-law one day, the subject of sleeping arrangements came up. "Well, we used to put Howard and the kids up in the attic." Funny, I thought that was where Juanita slept.
Once, when my mother was in the hospital, my sister went to visit her. Walking into the room she asked mom how her breakfast was.
"Do you know what they served me?" oh mom had her dander up.
"Well, no mom, if I did I wouldn't have asked you." This retort, of course, was wasted on good ol' mom.
"Cream of Tartar" mom was really indignant.
"Oh I don't think so," much older sister replied.
"Well, they did" now she'd done it, much, much older sister had questioned the gray-haired one. Cathie thought for a moment ...
"Do you mean Cream of Wheat?"
"That's what I said, Cream of Wheat."
Thankfully, much, much, much older sister didn't argue that point. "Well, did you eat it?" Mother gave her one of those looks mom's get when you've asked them something really stupid. "Of course not. I sent it back and asked for oatmeal."
"Did you eat the oatmeal" Cathie has always been a determined girl.
"No, I was full by then so I saved it."
Shouldn't have asked and definitely should not have gone for the follow-up. "Where is it?" Another one of those looks "In this drawer" she said, pointing to the bedstand. (It's really for Juanita later).
When informed that her sister from California (which is exactly what mom calls her) was coming to visit her, this was mom's first response. "Well, she's not sleeping with me." Nope, figure we'll put her in the attic with Howard and Juanita.
Mom calls her walker "Walker, Texas Ranger." Just thought I'd throw that one in.
I've been asked to give the full description of a recent trip to the doctor. I've told part of this, but there really was more - and yes, it's true. Mother rarely "acts out" in public so most people don't even realize there's anything mentally wrong with her, but on this day she was really "feeling her oats". And it wasn't Cream of Tartar. To make this easier, anything sung will be in bold print. It began as we walked down the hall back to the examining room. The nurse was in front, mom, with the Texas Ranger, in the middle and me bringing up the rear. Suddenly, ahead of me I hear her sing "Here I come to save the day." Okay, this is different - who's in trouble? Juanita? We've reached the room and mom gets in her gown. Sitting on the table she starts swinging her legs.
"Whatcha doing mom?"
Those Irish eyes get that impish glint to them and she smiles "I'm warming up so I can kick the doctor when he comes in."
Good, that should guarantee a 'no shot' day.
Tired, she leans back against the wall, which of course comes in contact with her back through the gowns much beloved opening. "Ooooh, that's cold ... In the cool, cool, cool of the evening" (for the uninformed, that's an old song she and Juanita used to sing).
The doctor comes in, and no, she didn't kick him (Juanita thought about it though) and he asked her "What's my name?"
One of those looks "What's the matter, can't you think of it?"
"I can think of it, I want to know if you know it." He's really patient.
"It's doctor" she said, smugly.
"That's correct, but what's my full name?" She told him.
"What's your name?" he then asked.
A sly look came across her face "Mary Catherine" she stated emphatically.
I looked at her, she looked at me "Well, it used to be."
I'm still looking at her.
"Mary Isabel, Isabel, is a bell."
You can say that again.
"Okay" he points at me "What's her name?"
Mother gave a huge sigh "I don't know, I just call her stupid." And I call her late to supper.
Wondering if mother wanted to attend a family funeral we of course asked her. After a slight pause she replied "Oh I don't know, whatever Juanita wants to do." That's easy, as soon as we find out who Juanita is we'll know the answer.
For the following story you must remember 2 things: Our attic is one of those "tucked under the eaves" jobs that you have to pull a ladder down and climb up to, and my brother Howard had to move home for awhile after a divorce and his kids visited every other weekend. Simple, just remember this. I don't know how this came about, I wasn't there, but ... while talking to my sister-in-law one day, the subject of sleeping arrangements came up. "Well, we used to put Howard and the kids up in the attic." Funny, I thought that was where Juanita slept.
Once, when my mother was in the hospital, my sister went to visit her. Walking into the room she asked mom how her breakfast was.
"Do you know what they served me?" oh mom had her dander up.
"Well, no mom, if I did I wouldn't have asked you." This retort, of course, was wasted on good ol' mom.
"Cream of Tartar" mom was really indignant.
"Oh I don't think so," much older sister replied.
"Well, they did" now she'd done it, much, much older sister had questioned the gray-haired one. Cathie thought for a moment ...
"Do you mean Cream of Wheat?"
"That's what I said, Cream of Wheat."
Thankfully, much, much, much older sister didn't argue that point. "Well, did you eat it?" Mother gave her one of those looks mom's get when you've asked them something really stupid. "Of course not. I sent it back and asked for oatmeal."
"Did you eat the oatmeal" Cathie has always been a determined girl.
"No, I was full by then so I saved it."
Shouldn't have asked and definitely should not have gone for the follow-up. "Where is it?" Another one of those looks "In this drawer" she said, pointing to the bedstand. (It's really for Juanita later).
When informed that her sister from California (which is exactly what mom calls her) was coming to visit her, this was mom's first response. "Well, she's not sleeping with me." Nope, figure we'll put her in the attic with Howard and Juanita.
Mom calls her walker "Walker, Texas Ranger." Just thought I'd throw that one in.
I've been asked to give the full description of a recent trip to the doctor. I've told part of this, but there really was more - and yes, it's true. Mother rarely "acts out" in public so most people don't even realize there's anything mentally wrong with her, but on this day she was really "feeling her oats". And it wasn't Cream of Tartar. To make this easier, anything sung will be in bold print. It began as we walked down the hall back to the examining room. The nurse was in front, mom, with the Texas Ranger, in the middle and me bringing up the rear. Suddenly, ahead of me I hear her sing "Here I come to save the day." Okay, this is different - who's in trouble? Juanita? We've reached the room and mom gets in her gown. Sitting on the table she starts swinging her legs.
"Whatcha doing mom?"
Those Irish eyes get that impish glint to them and she smiles "I'm warming up so I can kick the doctor when he comes in."
Good, that should guarantee a 'no shot' day.
Tired, she leans back against the wall, which of course comes in contact with her back through the gowns much beloved opening. "Ooooh, that's cold ... In the cool, cool, cool of the evening" (for the uninformed, that's an old song she and Juanita used to sing).
The doctor comes in, and no, she didn't kick him (Juanita thought about it though) and he asked her "What's my name?"
One of those looks "What's the matter, can't you think of it?"
"I can think of it, I want to know if you know it." He's really patient.
"It's doctor" she said, smugly.
"That's correct, but what's my full name?" She told him.
"What's your name?" he then asked.
A sly look came across her face "Mary Catherine" she stated emphatically.
I looked at her, she looked at me "Well, it used to be."
I'm still looking at her.
"Mary Isabel, Isabel, is a bell."
You can say that again.
"Okay" he points at me "What's her name?"
Mother gave a huge sigh "I don't know, I just call her stupid." And I call her late to supper.
posted by Bailey Stewart at 11:42 PM
3 Comments:
Bailey,
I hope you can take that last comment with the same grain of salt you take the rest of your mom's utterances.
I love how you interweave your thoughts with your Mom's sentences.
Just so you know, when Juanita is not with your mother, she's visiting mine, a.k.a. a variety of other aliases.
Oh, this gave me a much needed laugh! Thank you for seeing the humor--your Mom sound like a real "hot ticket." And the way you tell the story is priceless. You are a WRITER. And I'd better be on the lookout for Juanita--she'll probably head east once she leaves Gail's.
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