I'm Still Here

Sorry I haven’t been around much – just a bit overwhelmed at the moment, and quite frankly, after I get through taking care of mom in the mornings I’m just so frustrated with AD that I don’t want to talk about it. It now takes me about 45 minutes of arguing and cajoling to get her out of bed, onto the pot and then back into bed. I’ll admit, there’s a bit of yelling going on too. On both sides. Her arthritis is really bothering her, and I know it’s painful, but it has to be done. By the time I get finished with that there’s housework, then lunch and naps, supper and evening TV. It seems that there isn’t any time to blog that hasn’t just followed dealing with AD. She cries a lot during the night. I used to run in every time, thinking there was something wrong, but when I ask her she says she’s fine, so now I just listen for a more hysterical cry. I can hear her babbling, having conversations with people who aren’t there. I’m feeling more and more alone, frustrated, tired, stressed. My agoraphobia is worsening – phone calls to strangers will bring an almost immediate panic attack. Going to work twice a week is the only break I get. People have offered to sit with her, but I don’t know how she’ll react to strangers. Getting her to eat is difficult, so I hate to leave her during eating hours, even with those people she knows, because I don’t want to scare anyone away. I need them more for grocery shopping than my getting out.

I’d forgotten how cathartic this is to just get things out.

I promise not to let it go so long next time.