Meltdown

Not a good day. We started off on the wrong foot and went downhill from there. Mom refused to get up to change her depends. I managed to get her up enough to slip a pee pad under her in case she leaked, gave her breakfast plus meds and then let her rest for a while to let the pain pill kick in. And hour later I tried again. I have to admit that at one point I threw the (dry) depends at her. I started crying. Mother looked at me and for the first time in a long time, I think she connected. She patted the bed next to her and told me to sit down, then she patted my arm and said “I love you.” I laid my head on her and cried while she stroked my head. At noon I gave in to frustration and pulled the depends off of her while she lay down. I had to have her stand up to pull them up though, and she stood. While leading her around the bed to her food she said she had to go to the bathroom. I got her in there, changed her depends again, and back out to the bed where she ate lunch. We then took a much needed nap. She sat up and ate supper with no problem. At 7:00p.m. I tried to get her up to take her meds, change her depends again for night and we went through the same thing – her screaming and being stubborn. A half hour later I gave in and called my sister-in-law. She didn’t cooperate very well for her either. I went to sit on the porch and could hear mom screaming – even though her room is at the back of the house. You’d think we were torturing her, but we weren’t doing anything other than trying to get her to sit up. I’m sure my neighbors must think I beat the woman. At one point I came into the room just as Bebo (my sister-in-law) was telling her how I take care of her – mom said “No she doesn’t, I do everything”. When I started to say something mom looked at me and told me to shut up. So I left again. Bebo managed to get her changed and her meds down her, then we covered her up, said goodnight and left her. My agoraphobia is really hitting me – I can’t make the necessary phone calls – my stress levels are so high that I can’t manage the panic attacks. Plus I’d only had 2 ½ hours of sleep Thursday night (although the nap that afternoon helped). We’re also facing an anniversary this weekend. Sunday will be 1 year since my brother (Bebo’s husband) died. Bebo took the phone numbers for Social Security, Medicare and Human Resources with her and she’s going to make the calls for me. We need to get someone in here to give me relief. It’s been 7 months since I had a day out. Bebo watches mother on Thursday nights and Saturday mornings so I can work – but she’s in school too. I need a break. Mom is too cognizant of her surroundings to put her in a nursing home – I don’t want to help the AD progress, but I can’t do it alone anymore.